for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
