what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
