I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
