I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
