But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
