i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
