I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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