im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
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well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
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This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
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