She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
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Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
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You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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