I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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