My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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