I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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