Where is the hickey?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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