I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
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The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
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Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just forgot I was standing up.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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