Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
