I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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