Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
