I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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