That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
