Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Randomize
