false alarm. still invincible.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
