if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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