my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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