wrigley field is MILF paradise
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
His hands were made for my vagina.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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