So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
