if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
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Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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