im about as happy as oj after his trial
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
