she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
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Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
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He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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