Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
