the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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