we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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