He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
