Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
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