Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
