we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
