i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
