I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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