I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
vagina is talking i cant
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
