he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
there is glitter all over my balls
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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