You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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