put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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