does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just threw up on my dentist
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
