i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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