Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
