I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
