I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Drunk is a universal language darling
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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