I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Randomize
