and i looked up. we had an audience...
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
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I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
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Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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