he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
