im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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