My first STD was from a foam party
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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