I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
