tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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