An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My butt remains clenched, sir.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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