Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
