Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
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All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Your topless pictures make me question reality
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New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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