I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just gift wrapped bread.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
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